by Brier Jirka, Sex Therapist on May 7, 2013
One of the largest parental stressors is knowing you’ll eventually have “The Talk” with your kids.
Think back to your teen years. Chances are your parents were just as nervous giving “The Talk” as you were hearing it. And times haven’t changed – it can still be an uncomfortable discussion.
But it doesn’t have to be. And the truth is it shouldn’t be just one conversation, it should take place over the years. It should start with toddlers and continue through the teenage years.
The content obviously changes, but by starting early you provide permission for your child to ask questions as the come up. It also helps reduce the confusion about their bodies.
As part of my sex therapy intake as the Methodist Physicians Clinic Women’s Center Pelvic Pain and Sexual Medicine Clinic, I ask patient’s about sexuality in their childhood, as this impacts our adult sexuality.
- Were your parents affectionate toward each other and you?
- Was sex talked about in your home?
- If so, was it positive, negative or neutral?
So where do you begin as parent? Here are a couple good starting points:
Birth to Grade School
Use the correct names for genitals – penis and vulva. Using nicknames for these body parts can send the message that they are something to be shameful of. Know that self-stimulation is normal and part of a young child’s curiosity. Tell them this is something to do in private and not in line at the grocery store. Children don’t know what masturbation is and the context around it. They touch themselves because it feels good, they don’t understand it as sexual pleasure. Talk about “good touch” and “bad touch” – what kind of touch is OK and what is not.
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by Brier Jirka, Sex Therapist on April 16, 2013
Think about how many sexual assault programs are aimed at females, teaching us how to prevent rape or sexual assault. We’re told to not walk in dark allies, keep an eye on our drinks, not wear anything too revealing and always meet in group settings.
This is how society teaches prevention. And while these are important safety tips, it’s time to break down the stereotype of what it means to “prevent.” It’s time to focus our efforts on educating boys and young men.
This is not to say that women are never the perpetrators and males are never the victims. But the reality is, when a male is the victim, it’s often another man who did the assaulting. So all around, arming our young men with knowledge about the topic couldn’t be more valuable.
Think about the recent case in Steubenville, Ohio. An intoxicated young woman was sexually assaulted as other young men watched and even filmed the incident. I read everything I could on this case when it hit the press, and I’m amazed at how many teens were involved and did nothing.
It’s a sad thought, but not out of the question, that the young men involved may not have known what they were doing is considered sexual assault, especially because no actual intercourse took place.
Any sexual act – oral, anal, manual insertion, etc. with a person’s body part or object – without consent, is sexual assault. The fact is, not all teens know this, and I think that can be attributed to a lack of sex education.
Do the Steubenville boys need to be punished? Absolutely. But they also need to be educated on sexuality and sexual acts.
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