Sexual abuse is an unthinkable act.

Whether it happened once or over many years, sexual abuse victims become survivors after the incident. Survivors can still feel tremendous pain and shame as they heal.

Obesity and eating disorders often are found among adult survivors of sexual abuse, according to the Obesity Action Coalition. Survivors of abuse are looking for comfort, and food can provide that emotional comfort. In a sense, a person is literally ‘eating their feelings’ while avoiding the core issue.

Approximately 40 percent of obese women have been sexually abused at some point in their lives, according to “Objective Medical Information on Obesity, Weight Management and Eating Disorder.” While the connection has been established in women, there has not been sufficient data regarding a link between obesity in men and sexual abuse.

We don’t need statistics to prove the seriousness of sexual abuse, but the numbers shed light on how prevalent the issue is in our country. According to the Child Sex Abuse Prevention and Protection Center:

• As many as one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually abused at some point in their childhood and teen years.
• In a telephone survey conducted by Stop It Now!, 29 percent of women and 14 percent of men reported having been sexually abused as children.
• Globally, approximately one in five women and one in 10 to 20 men report being sexually abused as children.

Patients at the Methodist Physicians Clinic Pelvic Pain and Sexual Medicine Center have explained their attraction to food as a means of self-sabotage.

By eating in excess, survivors keep people at a distance. The thought process for an adult survivor is “the more I eat, the more people won’t want to be near me – or touch me!”

What they don’t understand is that this simply leads to unwanted social judgment, which is followed by unwanted shame.

Survivors not only might have problems with food, but also often battle low self-esteem, and question their existence and self-worth.

How to overcome
First and foremost, a survivor has to reach a level of acceptance and come to the realization that she was not the cause of the abuse – she was the victim. By not accepting this as fact, the self-destruction will continue along with the obese lifestyle.

When working with clients, we work through a process:
1. Recognize the abuse wasn’t your fault.
2. Recognize you are a survivor.
3. Learn self-care techniques.
4. Confront those who are enabling your unhealthy behaviors.

Self-care techniques can include such things as:

• Developing healthy eating habits.
• Instituting an active lifestyle.
• Establishing boundaries for unhealthy relationships and accepting healthy ones.
• Improving your self-esteem and realizing you deserve to feel good about yourself.
• Assessing relationships and letting go of those with unhealthy people.

While these are great ways to get survivors on their way, the work is not done. These are all components that will help a person physically, but much mental and emotional work is still needed.

And by that we mean therapy. We can’t stress enough the importance therapy can play in your healing and management of your weight issues.

As a survivor, you will find great benefit in attending therapy with a licensed therapist who is both knowledgeable and comfortable with sexual abuse issues. Some therapists are not equipped or comfortable themselves to deal with the emotional issues that can surface for a survivor, so this is crucial when seeking help.

Another source for healing can be group therapy sessions. Many communities have established women’s empowerment groups, groups related specifically to child abuse, adults molested as children or rape survivors.

If you are reading this and you have been a victim of sexual abuse, know that there is hope. Know that you are not alone, seek help from qualified providers, surround yourself with good relationships, but more importantly know and believe this was not your fault and that you can raise your hands in victory because you are a survivor!

Additional resources:
Losing Your Pounds of Pain by Doreen Virtue
We Are Adult Survivors of Child Abuse and Neglect
Stop It Now

The National Cancer Institute estimates that approximately 11.7 million Americans with a history of cancer were alive in January 2007. That figure is up from an estimated 10.5 million in 2003.

Additional statistics show the five-year relative survival rate for all cancers diagnosed between 1999 and 2006 is 68 percent, up from 50 percent in 1975-1977.

These increases in survival can clearly be attributed to better efforts in diagnosing some cancers as well as improving quality of life for survivors.

While October is a month set aside for breast cancer awareness, we felt it was a good time to write about cancers in general and how they can impact a relationship.

If you are someone who has been diagnosed or are awaiting your results, your first thoughts are most likely about survival. Will I beat this? What are my odds? How will I beat it?

As soon as treatment begins, other questions surface. How “normal” can my life be after cancer? Will treatment have side effects? How will cancer affect my relationship and sex life?

All of these questions are normal and healthy to consider for both you and your partner.

Some of the most popular onco-sexology questions we encounter at the Methodist Physicians Clinic Pelvic Pain and Sexual Medicine Clinic are:

Q: Why have I lost interest in sex?
A: Fear, doubt, worry, anxiety and sadness can consume your thoughts with a cancer diagnosis. If you are having pain or feel tired and ill from you treatments, you may lose interest in sex. This is normal. Your feeling for sex should return after your cancer treatments end. If not, visit with a specialist in sexual medicine to explore other avenues

Q: Is it safe to have sex with my partner while taking chemotherapy?
A: Yes. However, a few studies suggest chemotherapy by-products may be present in semen. To protect your partner from these, you might consider using a condom.

Q: Is it safe to have sex with my partner while taking radiation treatment?
A: This depends on the type of radiotherapy you are receiving. The body is not radioactive after receiving radiation from an external source, such as a machine. If another type of radiotherapy is being used, ask your doctor and follow his/her advice.

Cancer and Your Partner:
With any cancer or serious illness your partner will often take on the role of caregiver. While some are rock stars in this role, not everyone is comfortable in such a capacity.

Your partner is a huge source of support, but be mindful of what they are experiencing along the diagnosis, treatment and recovery path.

They take on the additional tasks of parenting, home responsibilities, financial stress, additional work hours, yet they often have a general sense of helplessness toward your care. Some of those feelings of concern continue long after treatment,  with the added worry that cancer may return.

Communication during the entire process is vital. Be as honest with each other as you can about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing. Most likely, what you are both experiencing is very normal.

Unfortunately, it’s common to experience undesirable effects from cancer treatment. These concerns can be both indirectly and directly related to sexual function, such as:

• Exhaustion
• Hair loss
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Changes in muscle mass
• Depression
• Menopausal concerns in women
• Hormonal changes that can cause fertility concerns, lower sexual desire and lubrication problems
• Changes in sensation and orgasm abilities
• Pain with intercourse

If your treatment has included surgery, such as mastectomy or reconstruction, the scaring itself can present problems between partners. While some may want to touch the scar – as an indication that “everything is OK” – the one bearing the scar may not feel the same.

Again, communication is crucial.

Communicate with your partner about:

• changes in sensation
• how your desires may be different
• shifts in what you like and what no longer interests you
• desire to be intimate without expectations for intercourse

Single Survivors

While we have primarily addressed those in relationships, much of what we are saying holds true for someone who is single and dealing with a cancer diagnosis or has proclaimed victory over cancer.

Communication. Communication. Communication.

• Surround yourself with a solid support system of family, friends and other survivors.
• Voice your needs – both physical and emotional.
• Ask questions about side effects that could be detrimental to your sexual confidence and ask about options to preserve, prevent and minimize sexual concerns.

And remember, medical science is strong and survivors reclaim their lives more and more every day. As research is showing, the likelihood of you beating your cancer is very high. Once you reach the status of cancer survivor – celebrate your survivorship.

Do you remember when the Dow Jones bottomed out at 67 or you paid 14 cents for a loaf of bread? Are you more familiar with the Original Amateur Hour than “American Idol?” If so, this blog is for you.

A 70-year-old man who recently became single responded to one of our previous blog posts. He asked whether he still could expect to have a sexually fulfilling relationship. His question is a reminder about the importance of sexually-satisfying later years.

In 2003, AARP’s Modern Maturity Sexuality Survey found while the frequency of sexual activity decreases with age, more than 50 percent of older men and women with regular partners have sexual intercourse weekly; more than 70 percent have it at least once or twice a month.

However, this study also found that older adults with sexual concerns have a difficult time expressing their worries and being taken seriously.

The Journal of the American Geriatrics Society found the most common reasons for sexual inactivity in later years are decreased interest, partner health and lack of a partner.

Decreased interest in sex is the most common concern our patients experience, regardless of age. This could be due to health concerns, medications, relationship distress, frustrations towards your partner, body image, negative messages about sex, etc.

The majority of these concerns can be treated by a specialist who is comfortable talking about sexual health.

Partner’s health is another significant reason why people are fearful of exploring and enjoying continued sex and intimacy. When health concerns take priority in life, we recommend maintaining communication and closeness with your partner to avoid establishing sexual problems.

Avoid certain behaviors and positions that could lead to discomfort. Remember that you can still enjoy intimacy even when intercourse isn’t possible due to health reasons and certain treatments.

Age doesn’t create sexual problems rather the ailments that increase with age are likely culprits. This could include high blood pressure, arthritis, pain, cancer, etc. In addition to the symptoms, many medications can lead to sexual problems like low desire, lack of lubrication, erectile dysfunction, and diminished orgasms.

Lastly, lack of a partner can pose sexual issues and increase overall loneliness.  Remember your sexuality isn’t always dependent upon having a partner. You are still a sexual human being capable of flirting and dating. Women, try wearing perfume with a Rita Hayworth sweater. Men, dab on some cologne and sexy suspenders.

So often, information about sex and aging is laced with stereotypes. The following are myths suggested by Peggy Brick, an 81-year-old retired sex educator.

Myth #1: Sex is for the young and the beautiful.
Truth #1: Yes, but it’s also for the old and dermatologically-contoured (wrinkled).

Myth #2: We shouldn’t talk about sex.
Truth #2: We’d better learn to talk! Lack of honest communication may be the major problem for sexually unsatisfied couples and new sprouting relationships.

Myth #3: Sex is a “natural” act.
Truth #3: No, it’s not. Everyone learned how to be sexual, and more learning is necessary to accommodate an aging body, changing relationships and an evolving life.

Myth #4: Old bodies are ugly and not sexy.
Truth #4: Maybe, when you compare older bodies to the contrived media images that use sex to sell products. But all bodies — even older ones — have feeling and sensation, need touch and crave intimacy.

Myth #5: Sex equals vaginal intercourse, nothing else “counts.”
Truth #5: Sexuality is much more than intercourse. There are many other ways to achieve pleasure, such as “outercourse.” or non-penetrative sex.

Myth #6: Masturbation is bad.
Truth #6: Although you may choose to follow religious or social admonitions against self-pleasuring, understand that it is a healthy expression of sexuality. Masturbation may be especially important for those who are likely to live for years without a partner.

Myth #7: Men should be the initiators of sexual contact.
Truth #7: Older men who fear erectile failure may no longer initiate sexual contact; an assertive partner may save the relationship.

Growing older is a process, not a disease. Sexual problems can be treated and myths can be debunked. Enjoy your sexuality throughout your life!

We realize we live in a society that both prioritizes and promises quick-fix-it opportunities, but a quick-fix sex pill isn’t available. Sorry.

In fact, we’re not really sure what a quick-fix-it pill would do for the majority of sexual problems that people have.

The little blue pill. Viagra. Yes, this pill exists as well as its cousins Cialis and Levitra. These medications (called PDE-5 because they target an enzyme called PDE-5 which is in charge of blood flow) are for men experiencing erectile difficulties due to poor circulation.

This pill can be effective if no other problems exist like diabetes, high blood pressure, pain medications, certain anti-depressants, etc. This pill doesn’t increase desire, add length, allow for better orgasms or puff up your pectoral muscles.

If you are PDE-5 pill happy, beware of counterfeit PDE-5 pills from Canada and India which has no benefits whatsoever in addition to possible safety concerns. Also, the company producing Viagra looses its U.S. patent in March 2012, so generics will become available which will change the market both in good and bad ways.

Hence, we reaffirm there isn’t a quick-fix sex pill available.

The most common sexual problem is low desire. Some companies have attempted desire increasing medications but have failed drug trials. There is nothing currently available which has been FDA approved, so don’t be fooled by internet and late-night television advertisements.

If you are looking for a pill to quickly fix your sexual dilemma, we question why.

Sexual problems don’t just ignite overnight unless there is a medical/surgical/illness reason.

Most likely, your sexual dilemma has been present for a while and sometimes years. Low desire, lubrication problems, erectile difficulty and orgasm concerns can become worse with time if they aren’t dealt with.

Often times, as these sexual problems grow worse, relationship tension increases, frustration and resentment climb and other avoidance-based problems are likely like affairs and addictions.

If you would like to fix your sexual problem, then first commit to attending to it rather than avoiding it. Since the problem most likely developed over time, then have patience to find a solution. Next, talk openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and how the sexual problem is affecting you.

Also, be honest with yourself as to how you may have contributed to the problem.

• Have you been distant to your partner, which led him/her to feel unappreciated, unloved, unattractive, etc?
• Do you have an anger problem or over-scheduled lifestyle which leaves little time for the relationship?
• Is their an historical trauma, body image concern, or pain that you’re consciously not resolving?
• Are you purposely not taking care of yourself in order to keep your partner away from you?

If both of you agree that (1) there is a problem and (2) your committed to addressing it, then figure out what you need to do.

Non-pill-popping suggestions:

• Ignite romance into the relationship and spend quality time together.
• Remember the early years of your relationship and how you and your partner interacted when there was excitement
• Exercise your mind sexually by reading erotic books or thinking sexy thoughts – especially on the days you think you might make love
• Schedule a date night with a romantic dinner and a sexy-love story movie.
• Visit your doctor about thyroid/hormonal issues if weight and energy are a problem.
• Jump-start a healthy lifestyle with a better diet and exercise to improve your mood, confidence, body image and energy.
• Schedule an appointment with a specialist if desire, arousal, orgasm or pain problems don’t subside on their own.

Do you find yourself getting undressed in front of your partner in the dark? Does the thought of being touched by your partner send you into a panic?

Then body image and confidence issues are likely playing a very big role in your life and that’s simply not healthy for your relationship, but more importantly, it’s not healthy for you either.

Body image and confidence issues can stem from many things. For women these issues can include:

• Being too heavy or too thin
• Curves or no curves
• Scars from past medical issues or other situations
• Ostomy/colostomy
• Stretch marks from pregnancy
• Hair issues, and I’m not necessarily talking about the hair on your head
• Freckles and moles

Men are not exempt from body image or confidence issues. Men may be battling circumstances such as:

• Size
• Performance
• Hair/balding issues
• Ostomy/colostomy
• Weight

Let’s first address weight concerns.

A person who may be overweight could be the victim of emotional eating. You eat due to emotional issues like an unresolved trauma or stress.

As an emotional eater, you are using food to fill the void. The food brings you comfort or the opposite: You eat for punishment.

By maintaining that mindset, you put a barrier between you and others. You justify, in your mind, that you are too big to be with someone. If you are in a relationship, you may be using the weight as a means to keep them from wanting to touch you.

On the flip side, maybe you are a person who feels like you are too thin. We need to be cautious here because being thin could be a medical issue or simply genetic.

If a person is too thin, the anxiety evolves into a fear of being judged and accused of an eating disorder when none exists.

On the issue of past or current eating disorders, Dr. Ruth has said that “it’s common for people with eating disorders to reject their physical and sexual selves so completely that it can become impossible for them to allow anyone else to accept them sexually or in any other way requiring physical or emotional intimacy.”

Eating disorders can lead to:

• low desire
• arousal problems
• pain with intercourse
• orgasm issues

If weight is an issue, then the following is suggested for your healing:

• Work through the trauma. Develop coping skills outside of eating. Become less of an emotional eater. Reduce your stress.
• Accept yourself. Love the skin you are in or change it. Accept that you are what you are and move forward. This goes for hair issues, too; learn to accept the issue or look into ways to groom, reduce or remove.

Medical issues are another very common contributor to body image and confidence:

• Scars come in many forms: stretch marks, scars from an illness, surgery, pregnancy, cancer survivorship, mastectomy.

Women are mostly concerned with their stomach area – weight and scars can be an excuse for someone overly focused on those areas.

• Cancer, particularly breast cancer, can lead to body image concerns. Women are faced with issues of reconstruction. Depending on the decision, the effect could impact the intimacy in their relationship, general body image issues and psychological components.
• Ostomy and colostomy circumstances also impact body image, sexual function and perception of sexual function.

You can accessorize by wearing lingerie, a robe or something that makes you feel comfortable and covers what you don’t want to be prominent when with a partner.

All of these circumstances are very real and should not be ignored. So some last bits of advice for whatever you may be experiencing:

• We encourage self-acceptance, understanding and respecting your body’s curves, capabilities and uniqueness. Embrace who you are.
• Have confidence to want to explore whatever you may be facing with your partner instead of hiding under sheets without the lights on.

We saw a statistic recently in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that stated couples who engage in regular sexual activity experience such health benefits as living longer lives, a healthier heart, lower blood pressure and a decreased risk of breast cancer.

Sadly, women – an estimated 33 percent – are not likely to reap those benefits due to low sexual desire. Those same women run a greater chance of divorce, with 25 percent the result of sexual discontent.

In the medical world, low desire is known as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). Primarily a female issue, HSDD can be caused by such things as:

• Medical significance – hormone problems
• Body image issues
• Low confidence/low self-esteem
• Unattainable expectations towards sex/intimacy
• Relationship problems
• Pain with intercourse which directly correlates to low desire.

Low desire issues are typically broken down into two distinct categories – generalized and specific.

If a person suffers from generalized low desire it presents itself as:

• Having no sexual desire across the board – meaning your partner doesn’t excite you nor does that steamy romance novel.
• Stemming from hormonal issues
• Pain problems
• Medical/biological components such as endometriosis or interstitial cystitis.
• Medications

The assumption has always been that as a person gets older they lose their desire. Research shows this isn’t always the case, but rather low desire could be attributed to aging health problems such as illness, medications or menopause.

Many hormonal concerns are greatly managed by seeing a provider who specializes in Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

In the case of specific low desire causes can be as follows:

• A relationship issue that is causing you to hold your desire hostage
• Body image concerns that are preventing you from being intimate or exposed with a partner
• A past sexual trauma or shameful messages about sex that are holding you back

Regardless the premise behind your low desire, find comfort that answers are available.

If you are suffering from generalized low desire, then we determine if medical treatment is needed or if sessions with a sexual therapist can get you back on track.

A medical appointment often includes a gynecological exam, hormone testing, pain assessment and nerve testing to see if orgasm is achievable or diminished.  This will help us to explore and/or rule out medical issues to develop a treatment plan accordingly.

In the case of specific low desire, the condition can usually be resolved through therapy.

• In therapy we would explore your sexual timeline. We want to outline important sexual aspects of your life as an individual and in your relationships.
• We also need to determine if you have been subjected to shameful messages or have experienced a sexual trauma.
• If tackling the issue as a couple, we will address the frustrations you both may be experiencing and the likely resentment that has built up over time.

The final piece to hopefully resolving the problem is increasing communication on all levels.

If you feel your partner has low desire, attempt to talk with him/her about your concerns, how you feel about the lacking intimate lifestyle, and your support towards treatment possibilities.

You don’t need to be among the 33 percent who suffer. There are answers to your frustrations and a fulfilling sexual life can be possible.

We came across a great quote by Henry David Thoreau … “I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

Being single may not be what they had planned for their lives, but for some people this quote might clearly describe their feelings about the dating circuit.

In our  practice, we often hear from singles who find the expectations of a date very stressful. A common stressor for a single person is sex and intimacy.

Sex and intimacy can complicate dating and new relationships.

Why?

A single person must consider:

• Safety concerns, more specifically sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

• The question of when to allow sex to enter the relationship

• All the new forms of communication –twitter, email, text messaging and instant messages which takes communicating to a whole level.

• YouTube and the explosion of video posting to the web

STDs are a very real health concern in the United States. Some statistics put the number of new STD infections at 19 million a year.

So the issue of STDs in today’s dating scene is a very real concern for men and women alike. The stress it puts on a relationship centers on simple discussion of the issue.

• If you have an STD, how do you tell your potential partner?

• How do you ask the STD status of your partner?

• If there is an STD present, how can you still enjoy an intimate life together

Other issues related to being single and new intimate relationships include:

• Past pregnancy issues and fertility concerns

• Cancer survivorship or other illnesses; this can include scars and ostomies

• Performance concerns

• Past relationship problems, such as domestic violence

Other factors that can make single life complicated:

• Someone who is single, but has children from a previous relationship

• Entering the dating sector after a recent divorce or death of a partner

Regardless of the pressure or issue that might be holding you back, the bottom line is communication with your potential partner.

In order to ease the stress and tension of dating, you must:

• Be able to communicate your needs and wants.

• Be comfortable with your own sexual self and be comfortable in asking questions about sex and your partner’s sexual history.

• Be firm with your boundaries, desires and sexual expectations.

• Give yourself permission to explore your sexual sense of self as well as saying no and leaving situations that are not comfortable.

• Give yourself permission to treat any sexual problems you may be having and communicate those problems with your partner.

While these tips won’t alleviate all the anxiety you might feel before that next blind date, or the fifth date, they could help you open those lines of communication and get you well on your way to dating and relationship bliss.

As we bask in the memories of another successful College World Series in Omaha, here is some intimacy advice in language a baseball enthusiast might understand.

First, don’t leave the “on-deck circle” too soon.

There is nothing wrong with a little extra warm up and it can even benefit the overall game. Take a few extra warm-up swings to check out the field, increase your awareness around you and allow each player to properly warm up.

Remember, slugger, women need extra time and attention before you start swinging away.

One of the biggest mistakes of the game is rushing into things before both players are cognitively and emotionally ready.

As the pace of the game quickens,  use the seventh-inning stretch as an opportunity to change things up, like readjusting and trying new positions. A popular complaint from many couples is that the game becomes routine, without enough creativity.

Now, a bit of advice for those self-declared power hitters.

There is a time and place for this, just not in the bedroom regularly. Remember that it’s not about how you want to play the game, but also what the other team wants.

So slow down, slugger. It’s not a race. In fact, more time and a softer approach can be desirable – especially for females.

Also, we are not pitch counting so a double header isn’t always necessary.

Lastly, it’s OK if you strike out.

Nobody has a perfect batting average even if you’re young and in great shape. In fact, it’s not uncommon for men to experience problems up to 20 percent of the time.

There are treatments for these conditions, so we’d rather recommend you visit your doctor if you want more information about available treatments and medications.

In summary:

• Warm up, especially outside the strike zone

• Avoid routine and talk about new, creative plays

• S-L-O-W D-O-W-N!

It’s likely you won’t always have a perfect game, but if problems persist and cause anxiety, talk to your doctor.

DINK.

Have you ever heard that term?

Well in today’s society and according to Wikipedia, the term DINK (Double Income No Kids) is used to describe a high-earning couple who choose not to have children and are therefore able to afford a more expensive consumer lifestyle than those with families. The term became popular in the 1980s, and has stuck through the years.

While couples in this category seem to “have it all” it doesn’t mean the relationship is not susceptible to intimacy issues.

Couples in this situation might not prioritize their time together, often because they are so career-focused.

It is true that many couples in this circumstance have chosen not to have children. However, in many situations the couple wants to have kids, but is struggling to do so.

Couples “living the life” still have all the same concerns regarding money, higher expectations with their careers, a household to run, etc. They are still balancing a lot even though kids are not a part of the relationship.

True sexual dysfunction can hit anyone, even those without kids. By sexual dysfunction, we are referring to:

• Low desire
• Pain with sex
• Orgasm concerns
• Erectile dysfunction
• Relationship dissatisfaction

While some of these are obvious medical issues that need to be discussed with a physician or therapist, there are some simple things you can do to improve the relationship on a basic level.

What can you do?

• Connect with other DINKS – because they know where you are at in your life and may have many of the same issues as you and your partner.

• Plan a vacation. While the stereotype is that DINKS vacation all the time, it isn’t necessarily true. Take the trip you’ve dreamed of and enjoy the time away – together.

If you are together all the time then don’t be afraid to promote individuality.

In addition to the time you have together, pursue those dreams that make you more personally satisfied and in turn your relationship will become stronger.

Allow yourself and your partner to explore individual situations, such as:

• Girls or boys night out
• Individual retreats
• A guy hunting trip or girl shopping trip
• Book club
• Golf
• Spa days
• Weekly class that interests you

Then, when you have a date night, you will have more to talk about and your partner’s excitement will turn into excitement for you, as well.

It’s summer time…

The kids are home, their activities seem to have multiplied, you are trying to plan for a vacation and climb the corporate ladder.

The summer months, well quite frankly, probably most months of the year we are sure you and your partner find yourselves coming and going. The last thing on your mind or your schedule is trying to find time for each other.

But this is a MUST.

As a couple you must find time for each other, which is what we tell all couples we counsel at the Pelvic Pain and Sexual Medicine Clinic at the Methodist Physicians Clinic Women’s Center.
Time away from the kids is important to get you both out of your ‘parent head’ and into your relationship space. This can be especially difficult for women since society tells us to conquer everything all the time. However, it is possible to establish time for yourself, your children and your partner!

We recognize that this advice sounds great but the question is always how? How do you and your partner make it happen?

• Set a routine date night weekly or every other week. Omaha has so much to offer – visit a restaurant in the Old Market, Midtown, Village Pointe or Aksarben Village. Venture to small towns close by or enjoy the drive to Lincoln. Coupon books and discount-offer sites are a great way to be exposed to new places.

• Find something that interests you both and take a class together – dancing, drawing, golf, yoga. This will guarantee scheduled time together.

• If date nights seem impossible then arrange play dates or even a sleepover for your children. A play date with friends or a sleepover with grandparents or other relatives will provide you with the alone time, if even in small quantities, you need as a couple.

• Get organized to help prioritize. Establish a family calendar that outlines the kid’s schedules as well as date nights. Then your kids get the message that you are making time for each other too.

• Also, I encourage families to have a “system” and for the children to be included in the responsibilities. Having your kids do jobs around the house alleviates some stresses for you and your spouse as well as more time for the both of you together.

Now you have your date night or just a few hours alone – what do you do?

• Plan a movie and/or dinner night. Go see the hottest movie being shown or simply rent a movie and snuggle on the couch.

• Make your favorite meal together or be adventurous and cook something new and different.

• Not everything has to be romantic – go bowling, play miniature golf, or go ride go-karts.

• Take a long walk, sign up for a 5K together or go biking.

By now we think you get the idea. It’s not about what you are doing as much as it is that you are doing it together.

The relationship you have with your partner is the foundation for your family. If there are cracks in that foundation it’s going to show and those cracks will spread. If a relationship seems and is more grounded, then the children tend to be more grounded as well.

Seeing parents in a loving relationship provides great solitude and a peaceful place for children.